Daily Life · Depression · PND · Thoughts

Awkwardness of being antisocial

Seven years ago I gave up working a 8 to 5 job, and it was literally the best thing I had ever done.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew it had to change.  It took over a year for an idea to form and I created an ideal job for me. I started to work for myself, from home and became quite antisocial in the process.  Going out meant a trip to the grocery store and that soon became something I’d rather not do.   What didn’t help matters, was when we moved from Auckland to Huntly.  I barely left the house and when I did, it was to go to Te Rapa or Hamilton and that was like an epic adventure.  I’d dress up, put on my heels and make up, feeling awesome and then when we got home, vowed to never leave the house again.

Growing up I never had that issue, I loved going out and always had friends around.  I had best friends and was partying like it was my birthday every weekend.  Once I was pregnant, I wanted to become social again, but something stopped me.  The same thing that’s stopping me from going to Plunket play group mornings on a Monday with Logan, or even Play Centre on a Thursday.  I now have this uncontrollable fear of meeting new people and a lot of it is at face value.

Months of taking IVF drugs has changed a few key things with me, things I can’t change at the moment and I hide out at home with the occasional La Leche League Meetings that I still struggle to go to but I force myself because if I didn’t, I’d never leave the house and that is not fair to Logan.  My goal is to attend something new with Logan before November.  I have a week to go to either a Plunket Play Group or a Play Centre day.

Some days, being insecure and antisocial, truly and utterly sucks horse shit!

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