I almost feel like starting out a post with “Hi my name is….” because this post is a bit of a hard one for me to write. I’ve struggled with how to put my thoughts into feelings and I am lucky enough that my husband has been a great sounding board, especially since the birth of our son. he’s had to have some pretty large shoulders to carry the burden of one baby crying and a wife that cried a heck of a lot in the first 6 weeks.
I have depression, technically I have post natal depression which sounds scary, and it is very scary. Those feelings of inadequacy and anxiety never go away. They darken my mood at odd times, and when I least expect it. Before we found out that I was pregnant, we had gone through an IVF cycle which failed. It broke my heart because it was something we had both been looking forward to and we got that fated call on my birthday last year on the 18th of June 2015. What a day to find out that all those days of injections, and everything else we had to go through didn’t succeed. I cried, and I cried some more. Colin gave me hugs and was there for me. Before we began this journey, many years ago, he said something to me that has stayed with me every day. “Having a baby would be a bonus.” 10 + years later, we have that baby.
Those who know me, know that I am obsessive about lists, and doing things my way. It goes without saying that if my house isn’t tidy, it upsets me, or if I plan for something and it goes awry, it upsets me. Do you see a kind of pattern here? I am in no ways a control freak, but with a few things, and I mean a lot of things, I just have a certain way of doing things.
Needless to say, nothing about my pregnancy, or the birth of Logan plus the first two months went to plan. It all went to hell in a hand basket. My emotions went left while everything else went right. Those happy emotions you get during pregnancy were great, and then as they leveled out after birth plus the issues we had (Something I’ll go into detail in a later post) pushed me far beyond my limits of being able to cope. Thankfully prior to the birth and a huge thanks to Birth Insight – Childbirth Education & Mum2Mum Breastfeeding Support for her wonderful Antenatal classes which reminded me about depression and to actually talk to my midwife about it. Jo from Pohutukawa Midwifery – Thames Midwives was wonderful and referred me to someone who met with me prior to the birth and has been there through my downs and small milestones I put in for myself. Sometimes having someone who isn’t a relation or a friend is a lot easier to talk to then someone who knows you. She is great and very non judgemental, I find talking to her helps out a lot! Even when it’s just about random things and nothing about my mental health or well being.
Finally I am on medication that has balanced my mood and doesn’t affect my ability to breastfeed Logan. Depression is an ugly discussion and no one really wants to admit that they have it. It took me a long time to admit that I had it. But with the support I get from my husband and family, it’s manageable. Every day is still a struggle but when I see that first smile in the morning when I go to get Logan out of his bed makes it better.
Not all my posts will be this blah, but it felt amazing to finally put it all down in black and white. My need to have order has definitely been curbed a bit, but my list making hasn’t stopped. I make one daily and just keep adding it to the next day and the next day if I get nothing done because Logan just wants cuddles all day. I’m okay with that, because Logan cuddles are the best in the world. I’m okay with a little bit of disorder in my life. (I say that but the neat and tidy little me on my shoulder is tsking at the toys on the floor and that I haven’t vacuumed in a week.)